Judd Apatow Netflix Series, Love Features BPD Character

Hey guys – just wanted to get this on your radar. If you’re not familiar with Judd Apatow he’s the guy behind This is 40, Bridesmaids, 40 Year Old Virgin, Superbad, Knocked Up, Anchorman, Pineapple Express and Step Brothers. So it’s safe to say he’s good at making us laugh.

He’s recently launched his new TV Series on Netflix called Love – A program that follows a couple who must navigate the exhilarations and humiliations of intimacy, commitment and other things they were hoping to avoid.

The lead character, Mickey (played by  Gillian Jacobs) in my opinion has Borderline Personality Disorder. A thread on Reddit also agreed with me which you can read here https://www.reddit.com/r/television/comments/478f3p/netflix_new_show_love_by_judd_apatow_what_a_great/ 

Mickey has substance abuse problems, a temper, a bitter world view, inner shame and appears to be in emotional turmoil which result in unstable relationships. However she’s always beautiful, funny, witty, smart and the audience get the chance to really like her as we can see how vulnerable she is.

I think this is a great series so far, so if you get a chance check it out!

Dissociation Blues

I can’t really describe just how weirdly depressed I feel lately. I feel utterly, utterly depressed. There is nothing inside of me, I’m currently living in a fantasy world of day dreams in my head just to get through the days in work. My favourite film is Almost Famous, I love that era and the rock ‘n’ roll imagery. I’ve also been listening to Lana Del Rey’s new album Honeymoon which is very soothing, almost surreal and dreamlike which is very fitting for me right now as I keep dipping into a dissociative state to protect myself from the burning emotional pain inside of me.

I have no one to talk to (seeing a therapist for one hour a week is just not enough), my friends and family don’t understand and don’t want to understand.

In my last session with my therapist he said I felt very far away, and I am, but I don’t think I was ever present to begin with. I couldn’t even speak in the session, I would write a few words down. The chronic feelings of emptiness is crushing me. I barely feel like a real human – but at least I’m not ‘acting out’ angrily although I am being snappy if someone is pushing me too hard  (another no win situation!)

I’ve always had a form of social anxiety but right now I can’t even look in people’s eyes when I’m talking to them because I feel scared and I don’t know what of. I’m currently sat in work at my desk and I need to go the toilet but I’m so scared and anxious about leaving my chair, to walk across the room where people might look at me, or might talk to me.

I want to connect but every interaction just seems to hurt me and to be brutally honest, I’m not good at talking to people and I can give you a list as long as my arm of the people who would agree and another full of the people who dislike me or label me as crazy, angry, intimidating etc when I feel that I’m vulnerable, misunderstood and in pain … but no one cares what I think.

I feel exposed, as though my soul is naked, on display and everyone can see there’s something wrong with me …. But it’s not the type of thing that would receive pity, as I’m ‘difficult’ to talk to, to be around because of my behaviour and the way I talk and the way I hold myself … they can see I’m not normal and not worth knowing.

My therapist asked me ‘what do you need today to feel better?’ and I couldn’t think of anything. I know what I want overall in life – a partner, family, friends and a talent or something I’m good at in life to work on, to fulfil me. But today, I have no idea as everything hurts, every attempt at trying to help myself, to connect with someone leaves me feeling worse. If I can’t answer my therapists question am I destined to be stuck like this? In this limbo of severe depression and dissociation, sprinkled with rage?

My therapist told me to listen to Don’t Let Me Get Me by P!nk as he said she’s clearly Borderline from the lyrics in her song – and they’re spot on.

The best way I can describe how I feel right now is that I feel my body wants to turn in on itself, like a leaf curling up or a turtle going back into its shell, or a little mouse – popping his head out of his hidey hole, realising the world  is scary as shit and going back inside.

The only certainty with BPD is you have three different routes you can go; recover, suffer or die. Right now I feel like the road to recovery is one of much suffering too.

I’m Miserable because ….

So I’ve been having a major depressive episode since about August 2015 now. I mean that type of depression where you want to sleep all day, but you can’t fall asleep any more (I used to be a great at sleeping, it was like a special talent) now I just lie there. Last night was a personal best. It took me 3 hours to get to sleep. 3 FUCKING HOURS!

As I’ve been so depressed I haven’t written on here in a while, because I don’t care and I don’t want to and I have nothing to say and I fucking hate myself etc etc etc, you know the drill …. Everything is just bullshit.

So as I’m angry and depressed I can’t be fucking bothered to write a long post as I normally do so I’m going to use the medium of a list to piss and moan through. URGH it’s like I’m Kevin from Kevin and Perry but with a serious personality disorder and depression. A dark comedy …. Maybe I should pitch that to the BBC? A story about Kevin as a grown up with depression and BPD. I’d watch it. Anyway the list …

I’m miserable because …

  1. I hate my life. No elaboration required.
  2. I have no boyfriend and I hate to write this down. I loathe myself just reading that. I’m 26, a grown ass woman, financially independent, university educated, full time employee, my own car, I pay my own rent (it’s only a houseshare but it’s mine). I shouldn’t feel THIS empty for not having a boyfriend. I can’t keep a boyfriend, I can’t meet anyone. The last relationship I had that lasted longer than 8 months was 5 YEARS AGO. One of my goals in life is to be happily married and have a family, a healthy relationship and a stable, loving home life. But it’s not happening, it’s not going to happen and I am so, extremely and heartbrokenly bitter about this prospect. The last guy I was seeing didn’t work out, neither did the one before that, and the one before that. I date, I meet people and I’ve also taken time out to ‘take care of myself’ and it all just leads to me being perpetually single.
  3. It’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday. URGHHHHHHHHHH
  4. I cried on the last three dates I went on and then cried myself to sleep.
  5. My ‘friends’ are unreliable, unreachable and consistently treat me badly … but they’re the only ones I have
  6. It struck me the other day that no one knows my address, my friends and family have no idea where I live …. They give zero fucks about me, including my address. How depressing, if anything did happen to me, they wouldn’t even know.
  7. I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few weeks ago now. I knew it was on the horizon but hearing it officially, that something is wrong with you …. It sucks.
  8. No one cared when I told them I was officially diagnosed one ‘friend’ even said “do you get a sticker?” and that was IT. PRICK!
  9. I went to the assessment alone, I had no family or friends for support during the assessment, before or after.
  10. Trying to get some of my friends to do something is like pulling teeth.
  11. I told a close friend how I was feeling, she said she’d ‘get back to me’ as she was in work and she still hasn’t got back to me about it (this was about 6 days ago now, and I was feeling really, really awful and just wanted someone to talk to).
  12. My brother has Asperger’s and isn’t getting any support from anywhere, this really hurts me.
  13. I have no bond with my siblings (I have 3 of them, I don’t even have their phone numbers or know their exact ages)
  14. I’m tired of crying ALL the time. I was just sat in work eating my cereal and my eyes were filling up.
  15. Carrying around this dull aching loneliness and emptiness within me every day is exhausting.
  16. Having no one to talk to outside of my therapists office makes me feel completely alone.
  17. My friend has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I hate myself for saying this but I’m so jealous she has a loving and supportive girlfriend and friends around her cheering her up (her facebook status updates have shown her getting treated to things by her nearest and dearest). I love this friend too, she’s amazing and I am supporting her too BUT it just highlights for me that if I was going through something similar … no one would be there for me, treating me to nice dinners or cosy nights in.
  18. I spat in a bouncers face on Saturday night … I was provoked, but it’s no excuse and I feel utterly ashamed of myself. I was so angry I even had two drags on a cigarette afterwards and I’ve been quit for 2 years now.
  19. I think about people I’ve lost, friendships I’m sure I ruined and it kills me.
  20. I’m sick of people just thinking I’m some angry, volatile person on one hand …. And others (colleagues) who think I’m really quiet.
  21. My lack of self-esteem and confidence is truly awkward to witness. I can’t connect with humans, I want a life … I want friends who WANT to do things and go places but I just get the scrapes. I have lost all confidence in making new friends as the last 8,000 times I’ve tried and failed and my confidence has gone.
  22. I have bought so many gig tickets recently and realised I have no one to go with, and 99% of my friends are unreliable and wouldn’t go with me.
  23. I feel guilty for not helping my friend move on Sunday as I was too hungover but this friend hasn’t been there for me for the past 4 years and makes no effort to ever see me, yet I feel guilty. I also hate the fact she had two of our other friends there to help her when she’s so self-absorbed and would NEVER help anyone out with anything, yet she has two people helping her move!
  24. I can’t concentrate on anything and most books/films/TV Shows seems to make me cry as I’m so sensitive to everything.
  25. Making a Murderer broke my heart and led me to having a panic attack on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face for an hour as it must have triggered something in me. Free Brendan Dassey. The show reinforced every reason why I am so scared of other people and why life is a cruel and intolerable thing to suffer through.

I’d add more but I’m exhausted and bummed out just writing that. Good day and fuck you all 🙂

I’m Miserable, Do Fuck Off

So my previous post pointed out that I can’t seem to connect with people and whether I’m speaking or keeping my mouth closed I draw negative attention to myself which makes me feel upset and makes me want to withdraw.

I gave some examples of how people respond to me. I have another example (lucky you!) to lay upon you. I’m currently in the office at work and I’ve probably said about 5 words all day. I don’t really participate in the small talk for various reasons (shyness, embarrassment, fear) and when I’ve tried in the past I get ignored and the small talk really doesn’t interest me. All day I’ve been sat here feeling increasingly isolated, paranoid and suicidal. With feelings like this pulling me under (I’ve been holding tears back all day and when someone talks to me it makes me feel like I’ll burst into tears at my desk!) I don’t want to fucking talk about how one of my colleague’s has a cleaner or how teenage boy’s bedrooms smell. I just want to get through the day without having an emotional breakdown as half the time I feel suicidal and the other half I feel like I’m going to lose my shit, smash the room up and scream until my throat burns.

I walked to the printer earlier and was asked “are you ok? You’re quiet today”. I know most people wouldn’t care about being asked these questions but it made me feel like someone was shining a giant spotlight on me – I had to try and not cry and just get to the printer. I feel like an alien, I want to be able to sit there, make small talk and integrate into the workplace and not have people ask me why I’m such a freak. I now need to go to the toilet but I don’t want to go unless someone else makes a comment about my personality. And the person who asked me this, he doesn’t care, we don’t get along (we don’t fight we just don’t speak as I have nothing to say to him and he has nothing to say to me) and he asked this question a few weeks ago. I’m sorry but it’s just the worst thing to say to someone who feels how I do.

It’s confusing as last week, when I told this colleague I was tired of how crap my office chair is (I have a really bad back and shoulder pain from a shit work space) he said he wanted to run and hide in another room as I was ‘scaring’ him when angry. I wasn’t angry, I was tired of having a sore shoulder every working day. But no, as soon as I do open my fucking mouth my personality has adjectives thrown at it ‘scary’ and ‘angry’. I thought after he said this ‘fine I’ll keep my mouth closed’ … and here I am writing this post!

I think I’ve come to accept that being lonely absolutely sucks, having no one to be on your team, to not feel any love but it’s better than trying to interact with people who make you feel like a freak just by simply existing and expressing yourself in whatever way you feel comfortable at the time; be that by speaking or by being quiet.

I am sick of feeling like this, sick of saying how sick I am and I’m just hoping one day something finally snaps in my head and I attempt suicide and I hope it’s a success. Let’s face it, no one would miss me.

I’m Not Fucking Angry

Ok so I may speak passionately, I’m highly emotional. I am erratic and my moods change as suddenly as the British weather and I speak with conviction if I feel defensive but I am not angry, not really. When most people are being aggressive or displaying anger, nine times out of ten they are not angry. Anger a lot of the time is substitute emotion. If your partner forgets your birthday that’s painful, because it feels like they have forgotten you and this in turn can result in many difficult emotions being triggered – feeling abandoned, lonely, mistreated, vulnerable etc so instead of feeling hurt and upset we grasp for another emotion to feel, an defence mechanism emotion which is anger. With anger we turn our pain into something we think is easier to cope with. Now call me crazy (well I suppose I’m past the point of pretending to be sane!) but I know I would rather shout at someone and position myself in a more ‘authoritative’ state of mind than allow myself to let them see me upset but once anger takes over it can sabotage and create conflict well beyond the realms of what the situation required. Once the anger dissipates you’re left with the sadness once more as well as a nice dollop of shame and regret for flying off the handle. You feel the victim, you don’t want to feel that way so your anger serves as vengeance but crosses the line into a full blown attack, once that line is crossed you have to hang up your victim coat and slip into something a little less comfortable like being abusive or even theatrical with your spectacular displays of aggression.

Over the last few weeks I have received such contrasting critiques of my personality that my head has been left spinning. In work, coming to the end of the day, I was told by someone that I was so quiet in the office no one noticed I was there (well, being made to feel invisible doesn’t fill me with joy so I silently raged and rolled my eyes), what can you say to that? ‘Hey I’m sorry I’m quiet when I work and have a lot on my mind and I’m sorry your fucking eyes don’t work as I walked past you 5 times today you ignorant twit’.

I was quiet for 5 minutes in my housemates car and she turns around and shrieks (she may not have shrieked but the criticism about my personality felt like another dagger so my perception of sound may be distorted whilst reiterating this conversation!) “why are you so quiet?” …. Where the fuck do I start to answer that question? Sorry I’m quiet because I was neglected as a child and I was bullied and once told off for being ‘too chatty’ and criticisms like that stick with me for life. I’m also quiet because I don’t always have much to say as believe it or not I’m introverted and shy at times. I also have social anxiety and to be honest, I’m a weird person. I’m into weird things like cult TV shows, films and music. Nothing too out there, I don’t watch snuff movies or listen to you know, Radio 4 (jokes!). But I am into different things than my housemates. Whilst thinking this I just said ‘I’m not talking all the time, I’m shy and introverted’. My housemate and her gf laughed at me for about 5 minutes and said I’m definitely not the quiet type.

Well this is weird – my colleague thinks I’m a mute and my housemates think I’m this talkative chatter box?! That’s a black and white comparison if I ever did hear one.

Then there’s the assumption people make of me about my anger. That I’m angry person who just wants to fight, which really, really hurts as I don’t want to fight with anyone as when I am involved in conflict I cannot think of anything but that conflict, how it makes me feel, how bad I feel and how it twists my insides and drives me crazy thinking someone might dislike me.

I was at my best friend’s house and I was talking about how profoundly lonely I feel without a partner, as it would be a nice change for someone to want me and not reject me. Someone who will just be there. When talking about this I became visibly upset and my friend’s boyfriend says to me “you just want to fight?” at that point I burst into tears. My best friend was barely listening and only looked up from her phone when I actually started to cry. Later that evening my friend’s boyfriend make a remark about someone not having a boyfriend. Incredibly insensitive seeing as I was just crying about being alone. He is an insensitive person though and has said things like this before. He just doesn’t get it but unfortunately he was there that night and his comments made me feel a hell of a lot worse. You don’t see genuinely angry people crying like an injured puppy, the anger, or what people see as anger, is my defence mechanism it helps me puts the conviction into my words and helps me get my words out as I can’t speak about how I feel when I’m choking back tears.

I hate to be labelled as this aggressive monster who just wants to fight by people, I am deeply sensitive and extremely vulnerable and the things people say to me stick with me for life. I feel completely invalidated by those around me. Under it all I am so depressed, lonely, scared, tired and struggling to get through each day. All I want is a hug, not a fight.

Fuck. You. All

So I haven’t posted here in a while because I have been struggling a lot to keep my head above water. I’ve been to the hospital threatening suicide, I’ve skipped work, I’ve looked at every inanimate object around me and wondered if I could use it to kill myself, I’ve googled various suicide techniques and came to no conclusion of which is the best (although I think I’d try to hang myself, I tested choking myself and I think I could just about cope with the pain of it). As you can guess, things have been bleak, I’m in a dark hole and to be honest I just want to dig it more until I finally get to the point of actually attempting suicide. Every option right now looks like bullshit, living ain’t worth it and death is going to be a painful ordeal if you’re dying by your own hands.

What has caused this sinking into the dark black oblivion you may ask? Well apart from 26 years of living a few things have happened lately which may or may not be the root cause of my sinking. I was seeing a man (if you can call him that) and he’s ‘ghosted’ me (for those not familiar with what ‘ghosting’ is it’s a bullshit technique that shithead millenials use to reject someone they’re romantically involved with by simply not speaking to them, it’s like they disappear from the planet, gone without a trace leaving you to think “what the fuck happened here?”). We had about 10 dates, slept together after establishing we weren’t seeing, dating or sleeping with anyone else and had been seeing each other for 2 months. Now It’s as if I mean nothing to him, I opened up to him in the last week of seeing him about my struggles with BPD, we went on a date after this where he didn’t hug, kiss or touch me. We never had sleepovers, I never felt like he was ‘available’ although he was keen to begin with, but not overly so. I feel like a fool. He has just solidified another piece of evidence which shows I am not lovable. I am really upset, I thought we were slowly building something together, slowly and in the right way, not rushing into things and now … nothing. He started to take 2 days to reply to my texts and ignored me if I asked him to do anything.

Now I know I should move on, and believe me I’m trying and I will because clearly me and this guy are incompatible, he did a lot of things which were probably red flags. The biggest red flag was him telling me he “doesn’t do deep conversation”. FUCK THAT NOISE, is he a robot? I cannot be with someone who cannot express themselves emotionally and who recoils and runs away when any emotion is displayed from their partner. I feel like a mug, I waited to sleep with him, I kept my own life going, we went on really fun dates, we didn’t fall into a routine of sex and sleepovers … yet it still fucked up! We had a good time together, always laughing but as soon as I show who I really am, he left like they all do unfortunately.

All I want is to build a relationship with someone, something deep, something meaningful just someone who wants to stick around and finds me a pleasure to be around, not a burden they cannot wait to get away from. People say don’t take all this personally but it’s massively personal, it’s a severe rejection and to me it feels like abandonment which is what I fear most with my BPD.

So, rejected by yet another man I feel pretty repulsive to everyone. Then I’ve fallen out with my ‘friend’ who, when I became emotionally over my current romantic rejection he told me “you’re being obtuse, stop being weird, talk to me when you’re not being weird” – again, this is another rejection. Another person telling me how I am is not good enough, not acceptable and I will be left to suffer alone until I pretend to be ‘normal’ and stop expressing my emotions to people I thought cared about. NEWSFLASH no one really does care about me. Yeah they say they do, but they don’t show it.

I tried to confide in a friend about being rejected, he then ignores me and we will NEVER speak again unless I initiate conversation and apologise to him (how can someone care about me if they never want to speak to me? And I know for a fact this friend won’t care about hearing from me again and will live his life without much thought or feeling toward me) now how is that caring? He’s done this before yet last week he was telling me how ‘special’ I am to him …. BULLSHIT.

Another friend I told her all about what I’m going through right now, I told her I went to the hospital and how I will have to put my private therapy on hold in order to get some help from the NHS. She hasn’t text to ask how I am or anything about my wellbeing in days. I told her I had plans to kill myself and she doesn’t even text to ask how I am … how is that friendship?  How is that caring about someone?

I’m also struggling with my living situation. I live with housemates now after moving out of my Mum’s. This is really difficult when the darkness comes over me and I have to interact with insensitive, ignorant humans who all have stable mental health. They just don’t get it. I haven’t told them how I feel as I’ve tested the waters and know they just won’t be able to understand. The other day I stayed in my room all day and didn’t eat as I just didn’t want to go into the living room to face them. I’m SICK of the fucking comments that go like this …

“why are you so quiet?” – Because I don’t have to talk 24/7 and have social anxiety, BPD and I’m thinking of all the ways to kill myself right now, all the reasons why and I’m also trying to just exist in front of you right now without crying.

(after I greet someone hello) – “What’s wrong with you?” – Oh I’m sorry it’s just my fucking face and voice I tried my best to greet you hello as a normal person just fuck off, stop staring at me you have no clue!

“Don’t be so paranoid” (this was after I told one of my housemates that our other housemates never want to go out as I ask and they always say no – which isn’t paranoia it’s fact as they say NO but they’re probably just saying no to me and yes to my other housemates because apparently everyone just dislikes me)

“You need to be more sociable” – Excuse me? Are you kidding me? I’m constantly trying and you’re the one who never fucking goes outside the house and say no to plans and you’re telling ME to be more sociable? FUCK OFF!

My boss at work also told me that I can either ‘go or not go’ to an event on the weekend where I think the guy who dumped me will be going to as well. THANKS for clarifying you fucking dickhead, I know the options are GO OR DON’T GO. There’s no need to be a cunt about it. Of course I’m going to go (I’ve wanted to go to this event for months I wouldn’t let some prick stop me going but it’s the emotional pain of seeing the person who rejected me). It’s infuriating how insensitive people are,

I honestly feel like I hate everyone, and they’re not exactly big fans of me either by the way they treat me. I feel rejected by everyone. I am lost, I am in pain, I am hurting, I am extremely sensitive, all I want is some empathy, compassion and kindness from those around me – which I would do for them, no problem I wouldn’t want to see someone suffer I wouldn’t say stupid things to them. I would never let them feel how I feel on their own. I would check-in on them and be there for them REALLY be there for them emotionally.

There really is no point in living, this constant pain and living in a world of insensitive, cruel and heartless people is killing me all by itself.

Giving Up

Help! I’m alive!

In reference to my last post I wanted to write a post giving tips for living and coping with BPD but I failed. I tried coming up with a list but found myself not following any of the advice such as throwing ice cubes into a bath tub when angry or distracting yourself with music when you feel you’re about to act on impulse and cause harm to yourself or others. Some times these techniques may work but I thought it would be silly if I wrote a post on tips to help those with BPD if they weren’t even helping me. I’m not at a stage anymore were I can engage in helping myself. I’m done.

My relationship with my therapist is not great at the moment. I’m not seeing him next week as he’s on holiday and I really don’t care, normally I’d feel a bit sad that I don’t get to see him and chat. He used to be a warm, cozy place to hide from the world to seek refuge, to feel heard. As my mental health seems to be deterioration I no longer feel comfort in those sessions.

I have got to the point on my journey where I feel like a deflated balloon, there’s nothing left in me to give. I don’t care anymore. I’ve been in psychotherapy for 12 months and there’s been no improvement, if anything I feel worse than before. I don’t think this is my therapist’s fault at all I think I’ve connected with him better than any other therapist I’ve ever had. But I’m just at the end of my tether, I’m sick of feeling this way. I am tired of crying all the time, feeling angry all the time and switching from each emotion so rapidly that my head spins and I just don’t care anymore. No one can understand the pain I am in and no one can help me with it either because it’s my pain, it’s personal to me and I feel as if I need someone to care for me in the way a parent would care for a child but I know I can’t have that. I’m an adult, I have to handle things myself. My work is suffering and I know that tomorrow morning I have to go into the office with a smile on my face and really force and fake being happy or at least OK so that I can keep my job. No one wants to deal with a colleague who cries all the time or is easily irritable and overwhelmed. And that makes me feel like a failure.

All this makes me feel very bitter too, I am in so much pain my heart hurts I feel that tremendously heavy weight in my chest and it drags me down. I don’t want to engage with the doctors or my therapist any more, I’m tired of taking different pills and ‘seeing how it goes’ and hearing ‘things will get better’. I can’t carry on with this pain in me, it’s killing me. I feel as though one moment I have no empathy for anything or anyone as I’m blinded by my own suffering but then I feel overwhelmed with how much pain there is out there in the world and it makes me not want to be a part of it.

The world to me is a terrifyingly lonely place to be. I’ve moved out of my family home away from an abusive mother and into a house share with seven strangers. As I type I can hear them all in the living room just talking, existing, forming relationships and I’m here typing away frozen by my own mental terror. I wish I could just go into the room and be like them but I can’t, because I’m not the same and I just don’t have the skills to get along with people and form any real connection to anyone.

The life I have is not the life I want for myself but I can’t seem to make the steps anymore to improve my life and you know what? I don’t want to anymore. I am sick of trying new things, trying to be someone new, trying to fit in, trying to enrich my life but coming out empty handed with another bruise.

The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fear of getting it wrong. People tell me I need to ‘see the positives’ and I really do! I love food and really enjoy every meal I have but it doesn’t make me want to keep living. Nothing seems to be worth it. I am at the bottom of a very deep hole and from where I’m standing there is no way out and anyone waiting at the top has given up trying to send ladders down as I wouldn’t latch onto them anyway because I know those ladders wouldn’t take my weight.

I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and friends in the past month and I know it upsets them to hear this but it really doesn’t help me, I am a lost cause, a hopeless case. I fear this is not even rock bottom yet. I wish I was someone else. And if things really do get better what do I do in the mean time just hang low? Concentrate on the positives? Do cartwheels and say the alphabet backwards? I don’t know how to ‘try’ anymore, I’ve tried and I’ve failed and I think I want to stay in this pit of melancholy and to hell with everyone else! No one can help me and I can’t help myself anymore and that’s a scary place to be!