So I haven’t posted here in a while because I have been struggling a lot to keep my head above water. I’ve been to the hospital threatening suicide, I’ve skipped work, I’ve looked at every inanimate object around me and wondered if I could use it to kill myself, I’ve googled various suicide techniques and came to no conclusion of which is the best (although I think I’d try to hang myself, I tested choking myself and I think I could just about cope with the pain of it). As you can guess, things have been bleak, I’m in a dark hole and to be honest I just want to dig it more until I finally get to the point of actually attempting suicide. Every option right now looks like bullshit, living ain’t worth it and death is going to be a painful ordeal if you’re dying by your own hands.
What has caused this sinking into the dark black oblivion you may ask? Well apart from 26 years of living a few things have happened lately which may or may not be the root cause of my sinking. I was seeing a man (if you can call him that) and he’s ‘ghosted’ me (for those not familiar with what ‘ghosting’ is it’s a bullshit technique that shithead millenials use to reject someone they’re romantically involved with by simply not speaking to them, it’s like they disappear from the planet, gone without a trace leaving you to think “what the fuck happened here?”). We had about 10 dates, slept together after establishing we weren’t seeing, dating or sleeping with anyone else and had been seeing each other for 2 months. Now It’s as if I mean nothing to him, I opened up to him in the last week of seeing him about my struggles with BPD, we went on a date after this where he didn’t hug, kiss or touch me. We never had sleepovers, I never felt like he was ‘available’ although he was keen to begin with, but not overly so. I feel like a fool. He has just solidified another piece of evidence which shows I am not lovable. I am really upset, I thought we were slowly building something together, slowly and in the right way, not rushing into things and now … nothing. He started to take 2 days to reply to my texts and ignored me if I asked him to do anything.
Now I know I should move on, and believe me I’m trying and I will because clearly me and this guy are incompatible, he did a lot of things which were probably red flags. The biggest red flag was him telling me he “doesn’t do deep conversation”. FUCK THAT NOISE, is he a robot? I cannot be with someone who cannot express themselves emotionally and who recoils and runs away when any emotion is displayed from their partner. I feel like a mug, I waited to sleep with him, I kept my own life going, we went on really fun dates, we didn’t fall into a routine of sex and sleepovers … yet it still fucked up! We had a good time together, always laughing but as soon as I show who I really am, he left like they all do unfortunately.
All I want is to build a relationship with someone, something deep, something meaningful just someone who wants to stick around and finds me a pleasure to be around, not a burden they cannot wait to get away from. People say don’t take all this personally but it’s massively personal, it’s a severe rejection and to me it feels like abandonment which is what I fear most with my BPD.
So, rejected by yet another man I feel pretty repulsive to everyone. Then I’ve fallen out with my ‘friend’ who, when I became emotionally over my current romantic rejection he told me “you’re being obtuse, stop being weird, talk to me when you’re not being weird” – again, this is another rejection. Another person telling me how I am is not good enough, not acceptable and I will be left to suffer alone until I pretend to be ‘normal’ and stop expressing my emotions to people I thought cared about. NEWSFLASH no one really does care about me. Yeah they say they do, but they don’t show it.
I tried to confide in a friend about being rejected, he then ignores me and we will NEVER speak again unless I initiate conversation and apologise to him (how can someone care about me if they never want to speak to me? And I know for a fact this friend won’t care about hearing from me again and will live his life without much thought or feeling toward me) now how is that caring? He’s done this before yet last week he was telling me how ‘special’ I am to him …. BULLSHIT.
Another friend I told her all about what I’m going through right now, I told her I went to the hospital and how I will have to put my private therapy on hold in order to get some help from the NHS. She hasn’t text to ask how I am or anything about my wellbeing in days. I told her I had plans to kill myself and she doesn’t even text to ask how I am … how is that friendship? How is that caring about someone?
I’m also struggling with my living situation. I live with housemates now after moving out of my Mum’s. This is really difficult when the darkness comes over me and I have to interact with insensitive, ignorant humans who all have stable mental health. They just don’t get it. I haven’t told them how I feel as I’ve tested the waters and know they just won’t be able to understand. The other day I stayed in my room all day and didn’t eat as I just didn’t want to go into the living room to face them. I’m SICK of the fucking comments that go like this …
“why are you so quiet?” – Because I don’t have to talk 24/7 and have social anxiety, BPD and I’m thinking of all the ways to kill myself right now, all the reasons why and I’m also trying to just exist in front of you right now without crying.
(after I greet someone hello) – “What’s wrong with you?” – Oh I’m sorry it’s just my fucking face and voice I tried my best to greet you hello as a normal person just fuck off, stop staring at me you have no clue!
“Don’t be so paranoid” (this was after I told one of my housemates that our other housemates never want to go out as I ask and they always say no – which isn’t paranoia it’s fact as they say NO but they’re probably just saying no to me and yes to my other housemates because apparently everyone just dislikes me)
“You need to be more sociable” – Excuse me? Are you kidding me? I’m constantly trying and you’re the one who never fucking goes outside the house and say no to plans and you’re telling ME to be more sociable? FUCK OFF!
My boss at work also told me that I can either ‘go or not go’ to an event on the weekend where I think the guy who dumped me will be going to as well. THANKS for clarifying you fucking dickhead, I know the options are GO OR DON’T GO. There’s no need to be a cunt about it. Of course I’m going to go (I’ve wanted to go to this event for months I wouldn’t let some prick stop me going but it’s the emotional pain of seeing the person who rejected me). It’s infuriating how insensitive people are,
I honestly feel like I hate everyone, and they’re not exactly big fans of me either by the way they treat me. I feel rejected by everyone. I am lost, I am in pain, I am hurting, I am extremely sensitive, all I want is some empathy, compassion and kindness from those around me – which I would do for them, no problem I wouldn’t want to see someone suffer I wouldn’t say stupid things to them. I would never let them feel how I feel on their own. I would check-in on them and be there for them REALLY be there for them emotionally.
There really is no point in living, this constant pain and living in a world of insensitive, cruel and heartless people is killing me all by itself.